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me and my mental health..

Ok... so I don't think my friends read this anymore.. so I can air how I'm feeling without worrying someone I know will read this and worry about me - or even worse, think I'm being a complete wuzz...

REading my last post was interesting... I wish I still felt like I was in an amazing place - emotinally that is - Edinburgh is still an amazing place!

I've fallen into a depression, and I just feel so alone! I have very few friends in Edinburgh, and they all have there own social lives to think about - I totally understand this... But knowing they are out having fun while I sit at home on the weekends, by myself - crying alot, overthinking being alone so much and wishing i had people out there to call and get me out of the house... But I just don't feel like I do... and everytime I've told people a little of how I am feeling, I play it down alot - I don't want people thinking I'm being a stupid git - over-reacting and just plain being overemotional - which I'm sure they do...

I just feel so isolated - I feel stuck in my own head... and the more I feel like this, the more I eat - I guess it's like a safety mechanism! I've put on so much weight - I don't even want to think about it... and feeling useless and unattractive isn't helping my depression at all.. but everytime I start a diet, it's like I sabotage it by accidentally eating REALLY bad food, I don't even think about what I'm doing till I realise I've left the shop with a trolly load of food that I think will make me feel better, but really just makes me more unhappy - and the big black hole just that much bigger...

I want to go home, but feel like it's the easy way out... I've booked flights through America in August/Sept... so I guess it's not that long away - but in this frame of mind, I think the days (especially the nights) are going to drag... If I went home, I'm sure that I would feel that I had failed myself, and that everyone would think I was copping out... But really what it would come down to , is that I know I would be so dissapointed in myself and would always wonder what I had missed if I went home now... Why do I have to be so stubborn? What I really want is for a friend to just come and whisk me away...

Life in general...

Ok, so I've figured out why I just don't feel that compelled to run home and write on here anymore...

It clicked as I was walking home from a great night of fun with my friend Marie-Claire and her family and friends, that this is just life! I'm doing incredible things, in incredible places - but it just feels like the norm to me now! It's my home! I feel incredibly proud to be living in Scotland!

Anyway - thats my update - peace out! xx

BBQ with Homies!

Okay... so I know I've been slack - I'm just so tired at the end of a day that there is no way you are going to get me writing on here!

The job is going OK... I really don't like the role, but am still giving it a go! If it isn't me by the end of this week I am going to try and find something else with more per hour and closer to where I live (I'm working quite a while away from where I'm living)!

I spent yesterday wandering the fringe with Angela and Carol, had a blast - We just wandered and saw a whole lot of different shows!! I was however in a right sour mood by the end of the night and took it out on nearly every random coming within a metre of me... I'm not sure C & A knew what to do with me! SCME!

I know I'm not giving you much of an update - but I'm actually really feeling like crap (think I might be coming down with the flu)! I'm putting some pictures on of my outing to the Fringe, and will also put an entry on of my Household BBQ this arvo - it was so nice!

xo

So... Tired....

Had my first day today - It's VERY different than anything I've done before... I don't know how I'll go - but the team is lovely, so I'm definately going to give this a burl!

x

LadyBoys of Bangkok

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Hello my lovelies!

LadyBoys of Bangkok last night - WOW - WOW!

ALSO, some very exciting news.... As of Monday I will be working with Scottish & Newcastle as a Planner???

God knows hey!

x

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HELLO

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Hello my lovely friends!

Now...I'm downloading my pics as we are speaking - but there are ALOT of them! I will be putting them on in bits and pieces cause I want to have a sort through them first! I thought I would pop a few up on here of my night out with Ezril (AKA Erin) and Sarah, her housemate and my new friend!

I'll put some more up a little later - 

 A few teasers from Italy

     

After a slight hiccup last night AKA Claire withdrawal symptoms - 1 hours crying is apparently the cure here! It was hard to say goodbye to Claire - to having people around that understood me! SIGH I know you'll all be there when I get back - but I still miss you all the same!

On a slightly happier note - I have an interview today, 2-3 month role with Scottish & Newcastle as an Admin Assistant, not as much money, and way far out - but at least I would be working!!

I also forgot to tell you about the musical I went to with Claire & Sarah (a new friend) while in London - WICKED! It was SO amazing! Everytime I get to London from now on I am going to try and see at least one west end production! WOW

LOVE YOUSE ALL

Travel Weary....

Ok... BACK IN UK!!!

After a hectic week in Italy - Sunday/Monday - MILAN, Monday-Thursday - CINQUE TERRE & Today in Torino - I AM POOPED!

Absolutely amazing trip, so much to tell but as you all know me and I tend to rant - I'm sure I will forget to tell you everything! 

Milan was beautiful - however we didn't find this out till the last minute when we got a map that actually SHOWED us what Milan had to offer -  the crappy map the reception dude had given us was TRES boring, we basically spent all of Sunday lying around reading and watching the WORST Italian television ever! When we got a good map the next day we spent our last three hours checking out the Duomo and shopping in the very swish upmarket shops! As I am a little cash strapped right now (due to being an unemployed bum) Claire took care of the spending lots of money part!

Cinque Terre (5 lands)- what to say!!!! WOW! So incredibly beautiful, which I am sure you will understand when you see the pictures - which by the way do not show the beauty at all! 
Highlights/lowlights of Cinque Terre
* We had an amazing little room RIGHT on the water in Riomaggiore
* HOT HOT HOT HOT - 30+ at least the whole time we were in Italy! 
* Giggling at the old Nonno's that still find it appropriate to stare at your boobs wherever you go (I should mention that this goes for ALL italian men - I've really never seen such blatant perving, or as they might put it - APPRECIATION)
* Realising that no matter how much you grizzle, the Italian trainline will just NEVER run on time!
* Hiking through the hilly coastline to visit the 5 towns which make up the Cinque Terre - Riomaggiore, Manarola, Corniglio, Vernazza & Monterosso - 2 days worth, it was extremely hard work (especially in the heat) but TOTALLY worth it for the views!
* Watching the sunset while drinking Sangria's on an oceanfront bar right next to our room! 
* Hiring a sunbed & umbrella on the beach at Monterosso, soaking up the sun, swimming in pale blue clear water & getting ridiculously sunburnt!
* Sneaky out for late night Gelati at the little shop down the road, nearly every night!
* Spending time catching up with my girl Claire before she leaves me again for our fine shores of Australia!

We had to get up SUPER early today and catch the 6am train to Torino to catch our flight at 6pm back to good ole London town! We had a few hours to kill in Torino so took a little walking tour! It is just incredibly pretty and leafy! If I have time I would love to go back and explore a little bit - I guess this all depends on me actually getting a job and bringing in the bacon to save for the next trip! Torino had just so much to see and do, everywhere you looked! I was a bit surprised actually as I hadn't heard or expected much from it! But if you get a chance you should DEFINATELY take the time to spend a few days there!

I am in London for the next few days, crashing at my lovely and extremely generous cousins place in Parson's Green. When I get home I will load up lots of lovely pictures for you all to OHHH & AHHHH at! 

Laura, I saw this lovely print and though of you in  Cinque Terre - I nearly bought it for you before realising I actually had no money to do it!

Nicole - Italy is amazing, you must drag Andrew!!!

Katy - you're the best, and i'm just CRAP at replying to e-mails! Persist, I just LOVE hearing from you!

Tamara - I'VE LOST YOUR E-MAIL, don't let me lose contact with you! Whats the go with your location, staying/going?

Love you all so much, send me e-mails and let me know how your going? I love getting tidbits from home!

As you can all tell - I am WAY overtired and just plain bloody rambling now!

xoxo

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Racing Betty
tamzinsw
tamzinsw

Itinerary

17 Apr 07 - 6.00am
Canberra - Sydney

17 Apr 07 -3.40pm
Sydney - Singapore

17 Apr 07 - 11.50pm
Singapore - London

30 Apr 07 - 6 May 07
Tour around UK

8 May 07
SETTLE IN EDINBURGH

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